from glory to glory

But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.                     --2 Corinthians, 3:16-18

I read a devotion today from Dine with Me by Jana Spicka. It's about a woman with an alabaster jar of perfume, thought to be Mary Magdalene, who poured out all the perfume on Jesus. Really expensive perfume. It cost a year's wages. Think $30,000, $50,000. Not cheap. She poured this perfume all over Jesus in front of loads of people who thought she was trash. She was weeping, sobbing, in front of all of them. And she didn't care. She was there to pour out on Him, cry out to Him.

In her devotion, Jana talks about how she (Jana) was ardently praying about all the people the Lord had given her, about wanting to pour His love out on them, to be faithful, to take care of them-- she ended her prayer saying, "Lord I want to make a difference." What she heard in response stopped her in her tracks: "I want to make you different."

Wow.

I had forgotten that glory starts with poverty, nakedness, desperation, confession. It starts with pouring out all you have on the Lord. It's so easy for me to allow guilt to drive me to that place of works, of striving. Of making things prettier than they are.

Yesterday I got together with Stephani to talk about money and budgets, to really hash through it. I can make a budget like a champ- the numbers look awesome on paper, and all the numbers work out. But I never do it. I never walk it out. And one thing I started to see yesterday is that I have a ton of guilt where money is concerned. And that guilt drives me to hide. And hiding with money drives me to do things with my money that are wrong. I misuse it, abuse it, overspend it, and spend it foolishly. And before any of this offensive behavior happens, I make a budget that covers over all the sin. But it doesn't work. Stephani looked at my online bank statement with me. We added up all the money I brought in and all the money I spent on food. It was thoroughly embarrassing. I know I can do good things with money; I've walked that way before. If I have something to save for, I can be really faithful with my money. But if I'm just living day to day, if I have nothing I'm pushing towards, or if I'm just lazy and out of shape with my money, bad things happen. There's something going on in my heart where money is concerned. I feel entitled to it. I want more of it. I want to do what I want with it. To write this, to know this is true about myself right now, disgusts me.

So today I was reminded that glory starts with poverty, nakedness, desperation, confession. Even some humiliation and disgust. And unveiling the ugliness is the first step on the road to glory. It's just so... ugly. 

Lord, please reveal all the lies that I believe about money, how I relate to money, and how I relate to You. I am desperate and helpless. 

Hello Nashville!

Here I am! I got to Nashville and walked straight into a house of adults and children cleaning up after dinner, eating dessert, and playing. Very chill. Very easy. After the kids were in bed, I got a movie at Redbox and Josh, Jenelle, and I watched He's Just Not That Into You. The perfect Valentine's movie! More people joined us, we did some pull ups, and hung out. It just... flowed.

Now my teeth are finally brushed after I assaulted them with sugar all day, and I'll be ready for bed once I post the final blog in my 40-day devotion.

So much fun stuff to do tomorrow! Applying for a job, checking on some demo gigs, planting the first seeds of the year, checking out an apartment, biking around the city. Exciting and amazing how things come up and fall into place.

It's now I want to know the difference between making my plans and dreaming dreams with Jesus. It's so easy to get stuck in the rut of my own plans. But I've asked Him. I'm eager to see & hear His response. Dreaming dreams... Our dreams. Show me how it's done, Lord. I have no idea. Thank You. Amen.

peace

a call to go
here am i
send me
precious voice
moves me

peace

spending time
old friends
abiding in His rest
soaking
i am quenched

peace

doubts taunt
friends waffle
under it all
His call
is a go

peace

questions unanswered
ends untied
I must rest
seek Him
He will provide

peace

1 Samuel 7-9

This passage has caught my attention. Jane Lambert taught on it in January, and she really breathed some life into it for me. 

When the Philistines heard that Israel had assembled at Mizpah, the rulers of the Philistines came up to attack them. When the Israelites heard of it, they were afraid because of the Philistines.
They said to Samuel, "Do not stop crying out to the LORD our God for us, that He may rescue us from the hand of the Philistines."
Then Samuel took a suckling lamb and sacrificed it as a whole burnt offering to the LORD. He cried out to the LORD on Israel's behalf, and the LORD answered.
                                    -1 Samuel 7:7-9

 For some reason, I went home from Jane's message and just camped on this passage. I don't normally do that, but I just read it over and over again. Jane had explained that the word Mizpah means watchtower. It symbolizes looking toward the future, moving forward. Which is what I've been doing lately. And then wheels began turning in my brain.

The first week of the year, my church fasts and prays, so fasting was on my brain. Just prior to this passage, the Israelites had returned to the Lord by giving up their gods and idols, as well as fasting & prayer. When you look at fasting biblically, you see that it's more powerful than prayer alone. For example, when Jesus' disciples were disappointed because they encountered a tormenting spirit they couldn't drive out, they asked Jesus what had prevented them. Mark 9:29 reads, He replied, "This kind can come out only by prayer and fasting." So it seems that fasting adds a punch to prayer. I could use more punch in my spiritual seeking. Check!

Fasting also prepares us. Jesus fasted for 40 days to prepare Himself for ministry. Luke has it that He went into His 40-day fast "full of the Holy Spirit" and came back to Galilee afterwards "in the power of the Spirit" (Luke 4:1, 4:14, NIV). He was empowered by the Holy Spirit after His fast. Power? Yes, I'd like some.

If you zoom out and read the passage, it's like this:
The Israelites were looking to the future in hopes of moving forward, but they were opposed by an army ready to attack them. And they're scared. But they'd been fasting and praying. So they asked Samuel to cry out to God for them. Samuel makes a sacrifice and cries out to the Lord on Israel's behalf, and the Lord answers.

If there's one thing I want, it's to hear from the Lord. To be closer to this God who IS love. And so my good friend Shimmi and I have fasted and prayed for one another for the past 3 days in order to move closer to God. In order to cast out darkness like fear and worthlessness. Because we love each other and care about the other's struggles. We've prayed for God to secure us in His love completely, to pour out his joy and favor, to deepen our faith and freedom, to bring healing.

And He has showed up. The first day of fasting was rough for me. I ended up driving home, crying. I was ambushed by feelings I didn't realize were there. But in the absence of my most common coping mechanism, eating, I prayed. I got quiet, I sought God. And He was there for me. It was like I sank into this reality of Love that just held me close.

I'm really beginning to rest in His love, His provision, without stressing out and trying to fix everything. That's huge for me. I actually went to God with my burdens and laid them down. That's always been very, very difficult for me. And now I'm doing it. And I want to keep doing it.

Praise God! Bring it on!

Water fast, day 1

Today is the first day of a water fast for me. I've only done this once before successfully, but I've made it through day one! I'm hoping to do 3 days of water fasting followed by two days of liquids- coconut water, fresh juice, kombucha. Then I'll finish out my third and final week of the Daniel fast.

But... why am I fasting? That's an excellent question. I'm doing a Daniel fast (no meats, no sweets, no bread; only water to drink) in preparation for my move to Nashville. I want to make sure I'm where God wants me to be. I want to be closer to Him. I want everything He has in store for me, and I don't want to compromise our relationship. So I'm fasting for intimacy and discernment. I'm asking Him to come with His perfect love and cast out all fear.

But why the water fast? Well, I'll tell you. My good friend Shimmi and I have some things in common. We both follow Jesus. We love Him. But most of the time, in the depths of our hearts and at the core of our beings, we don't feel loved by Him. Which is a lie- He loves us more than we can possibly imagine. But we're not aware of it. And sometimes, we even feel like He doesn't like us that much, as if He's smirking and waiting on us to make a mistake. Lie! He is love. We want all of His love. But at the moment, we don't live every moment inside all of the intimacy that is available to us, and we're done with that. So we're praying and fasting for breakthrough for each other. I'm praying for Shimmi, and she's praying for me. To know Him. To believe Him. To receive Him. To be one with Him. Yes & amen. Come, Lord Jesus!

quiet night

snow
hush

blanket of
still
covers us

i partake
of
You

we drink
deeply
this
communion

cup overflows
joy rush in
sorrow no more

You hold me
fast.

Lie exposed. Truth unveiled. New freedom to step into.

What an awesome day of revelation!!! There are themes that keep coming up, and a really big breakthrough began today. YES!!! Let's begin with a little backstory...

My whole life I have been terrified of people looking at me. I've shied away from it, fled from it. All of my life. It's just felt wrong.

But at the same time, I have a bachelor's degree in music, in vocal performance. I am a dancer who thoroughly enjoys creating and performing. There's something I enjoy about being on display, being looked at and enjoyed. And a lot of times it works spontaneously in social settings- I entertain, tell funny stories, or just come with commanding presence and people pay attention to me. But always, always, I've been ashamed of it, scared of it. It's just felt right to feel ashamed about it. It's felt sinful. Like it's a part of me that needs to be removed.

But you know what? That's not true. Performance is a part of me. Celebration is in my spirit! It's how He made me.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation
for those who are in Christ Jesus,
because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life
has set you free from the law of sin and death
                                            Romans 8:1-2


Pastor Sue was talking this morning about authority, and about how light has authority over darkness. When you turn on a light in a dark room, the darkness is gone. The light asserts itself in authority, without question.

This afternoon Resa came over and brought some Lance Wallnau DVDs about stepping into your destiny. Destiny is a hot topic for me lately: Jesus & I are diving into it this year, head first. I took away a real kernel in the first DVD, and that was his four drivers, or four priorities: certainty, variety, significance, and connection. He claims that everyone has a primary and a secondary driver. As soon as he started talking about variety (or uncertainty), I knew that was one of mine- I must have variety, otherwise I'm bored. My other driver? Significance. That's huge for me! What is significance? Achieving significant things, being on display. These people are typically having fun. They are partyers. You see them and recognize them. It was so clear because the other options are opposites (certainty and connection). How awesome! It was so very clear, although I'm not yet sure which driver is primary and which is secondary.
In the second DVD we watched, he talked about the DISC personality types. Again, there are four: dominant, influencing, steady, conscientious. After listening to him, going through some internal debate, and chatting with my fellow watchers, we agreed that I am mostly an influencer. Influencers are the kinds of people who are famous, party, have fun, and enjoy being on display.

So I'm a performer and an entertainer, both in training and in practice (and for that matter, both formally & socially). Significance is one of my drivers. I am mostly an influencer type. See the themes? And honestly, a longing to be noticed has been on my heart lately in a way that's gotten harder and harder to ignore. It's awesome when God hits me with this many themes in one day! It's so much easier to get.

So at the end of this beautiful day, this is where I am: I have a light I've been trying to fix, trying to hide. But it won't go out. It's still there. It really likes to shine since that's what it's meant to do.

This is the end of hiding. Only darkness hides. Light shines forth for all to see.


"No one lights a lamp and hides it in a clay jar or puts it under a bed.
Instead, they put it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light."
                                                                Jesus, Luke 8:16

“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden.
Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl.
Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.
In the same way, let your light shine before others,
that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven."
                                                                 Jesus, Matthew 5:14-16

Pleasure

What an interesting and rewarding day! Truly.

It began with today's entry in Dine with Me, Real Food for the Hungry Spirit, a devotional by Jana Spicka. What was it about? Pleasure. It convicted me in a whole new way, I must say. Because I really don't do anything just for the joy of it. I work, I sleep, I eat, I follow hard after God, sometimes I hang out with people or dance... I'm an intense person. Pleasure does get lost in my life, right out missed. But it's important to God:

You make known to me the path of life;
You will fill me with joy in Your presence,
with eternal pleasures at Your right hand. 
                               Psalm 16:11


So it was a real challenge. It was difficult even to think of what I would do just for pleasure, especially when I can't go outside. Then it occurred to me: I love to lie in bed. Not rushing getting up, just enjoying the warmth of the covers on a snowy day, reading, listening to music, just lying around. As I write this, it honestly sounds scandalous to me, not to do anything. So of course I did it. And it was glorious- drifting in and out of sleep, reading, enjoying some music. Lovely. I take pleasure in being slow. My nature is not to rush anything. And tonight after I did yoga, I just lay in the floor, cozied up to the heater, and listened to music. I used to do these things, in middle school, before I got a job. Then "real life" happened, and I had no idea how to handle it.

It's honestly a total revelation to me that it's ok to do that sometimes. I have a false view of God. He's changing that view to Truth. Slowly I'm beginning to walk as if He gives me grace, as if He doesn't give me the evil eye when I mess up or am not sure what to do. Lovely to be journeying here, walking into a truth that's the biggest relief of my life. Praise You, Jesus.

Along the same lines, today's blog by Jana, "Playing in the Sand."

Aslan is on the move

Thursday nights are such a blessing! I meet with some people from church, and we eat and chat and pray and worship and encourage each other. It's AWESOME!!! I'm really loving these people, and they love me. I'm so thankful.

I just wanted to share a huge blessing I got tonight. My Indian friend, Amukta, asked for prayer for me, for my next step, and they all prayed over me (they're pentecostal, so they just break out and pray all at once. In English this time, pretty swell!). After they had finished, a pastor there said he heard in his spirit God saying YES to me. YES YES YES YES!!! And he kept saying it, and we were all laughing and saying YES and rejoicing and I was so glad and crying and laughing. God is so good. He's on the move. There are changes coming, I feel it. I've prayed for it. He is faithful. I am thankful.

The amazing God thing is that on the way to small group, I was asking Jesus how to dream with Him. It actually head-&-heart-hit-me that that would require more prayer, more asking, more listening, more opening. A real alive eternal amazing relationship. And I asked how to dream. And I discovered a hurt there, and the hurt was that I doubted that He wanted to hear what I want. But He does. He revealed it in order to heal it, saying, "Yes, Beloved, I want to hear the desires of your heart. Share with Me." And so I began telling Him, in small bits, because it was pretty intense and a pretty big move for little bitty me.

So we talked about dreaming on the car ride there. I drew close.

Then He tells me yes to whatever. YES! What an amazing God we have! Hurrah for dream time! Further up & further in!

the lightest burden

I've been chewing on this post for the better part of October, and a solid friend of mine subtly requested a blog post. So I thought I'd go ahead and put it out there before bed tonight.

I am about to embark on my last week as a seasonal employee of Tree & Leaf Farm. It's been an incredibly intense 5-month experience. I've never worked so hard in my life. I've never felt such negativity directed at me because of my performance, although conditions have improved quite a bit recently. What can I say? I've always moved slowly, just ask my mother. I have to say that I rarely do things I'm not good at, and this commercial farming game is not something I'm naturally good at or, at a fundamental level, interested in (except market... I shall miss you, Mt. Pleasant market!). I've become much faster and a much harder worker, but the feeling of being distinctly less than has colored each and every one of my days here. Almost everyone I've worked with is faster than me, pays appropriate (but not too much) attention to detail, and is more efficient. Every day I see; every day I know. And it's hurt. A lot. It's not been entirely uncommon for me to find myself at lunch or after work, lying on my bed, crying, sometimes unexpectedly. It has not been a daisy walk.

And yet one day early this month, my perspective changed. Like a feather it drifted down to me while I was washing potatoes: Jesus wasn't good at everything either. He wasn't highly regarded and accomplished. He didn't fit in. Most people saw Him as a wacko. Maybe he would have made a slow farm worker too. He was not a jock, not consumed with being a cutting-edge farmer, or proving himself in the market. I'm not sure how to describe how this epiphany has affected me. but it has certainly afforded me some personal freedom, freedom on the inside. His burden is light; His yoke is easy. I don't feel the pressure that I used to, and yet I feel like I'm working pretty well. I still have to work just as hard, but I don't feel entirely driven by fear. Perhaps part of that is the end of the season sweetness- having less work to do, knowing that it's almost over, that I will soon be spat out of the machine. But Jesus has given me a light burden, and I think now I'm beginning to learn how to accept it and live out of it.

Living in community I: Realization

A lot of people who follow Jesus like to talk about community and living in community. It seems pretty important to us, and Jesus certainly surrounded himself with people: his disciples, other friends, the masses. Sure He was alone at times - everyone needs to be alone, I think - but He invested himself in other people. He risked living in community with other people; He was honest and transparent, and ultimately that cost Him his life.

I am a part of a great community called Crossings. We meet on Sunday mornings all together, and then during the week there are smaller groups of people who get together for Bible study and sharing and maybe munching or drinking. It's a pretty amazing and dedicated bunch of people as far as most churches are concerned, and as far as church goes, I'm satisfied with it, although I want to contribute more artistically. But it's not yet what I think Jesus would have the church look like. Not completely. There's more, and I want it!

I want to dig deep in this life- plumb the depths of my own depravity and rejoice in the wideness of God's love. I want to really live in community. What I mean is, I want to live in close quarters with other people. My neighbors are great, and I love my house, but I really don't think all these separate, discrete houses side by side are what Jesus had in mind. It's such a picture of the society that sees the individual as the basic unit. Of course, that's how I see it, too, but I think I'm wrong. I don't think that's the way it should be. I don't think it's been restored or perfected (perfect as in made whole or complete). I doubt I'll ever be fulfilled living like this.

I very recently realized that I don't like my living arrangements. I live alone in an awesome house. It's a really great house- an 80-year old Craftsman with hardwood floors, new appliances, and the best porch ever- but I live alone, and I just really feel like I'm not meant to live alone. I ache to have other people around me; I ache to be known. Sure, I'd like to be in a relationship one day where we are married and share life at a very intimate level, but that's not all I'm getting at here. The Africans say that it takes a whole village to raise a child; I agree wholeheartedly. In that proverb, the emphasis is on the child- it's easy to see how children need a lot of care, especially if you've cared for them. But I would say that the village needs the children, too, that the village needs the parents of that child to depend on them for a night off once in a while so the village can continue to practice the refining art of giving. I would argue that the villagers need the chaos of children to remind them that they're only one tiny part of this world, and that no plan is ever 100% certain. I'd say the village needs the laughter of children.... bubbles, too. You can never have enough bubbles.

For now, I'm looking for a roommate. I have an incredibly cute little sunroom with lots of windows and light and even a closet. It faces west. Cleaning it out and getting rid of stuff has moved up higher on my priority list.

For the future, I'm not sure how long I'll be in my house. Perhaps I'll rent it. Perhaps I'll donate it. Maybe I'll even sell it. But I do know that I do not want to live a mainstream American life. That may translate into life in an intentional community (no, no - not a commune, folks). It may mean moving to another country where their norm is the polar opposite of ours. I really don't know. All I know is that movement is necessary, and change is certain. And I want the abundant, full, sometimes chaotic, frustrating, and deeply rewarding life of a physically and spiritually close-knit community.

Easter people

A lot of people who really seem to get this Jesus thing are those people who have been so down and out that there's really no place lower to go. We recognize each other sometimes without even having to swap stories- I encounter a more than usual amount of tenderness in her eyes, an extra bit of care in his tone of voice. There's a level of pain, an experience of incomprehensible hurt that brings these things out in us. The thing is, I think more people have access to this than actually grasp it. It's not just the pain that softens us, it's the acceptance of that pain- hurting, sitting with it, experiencing it, feeling it.

I was asked to participate in the Palm Sunday service (March 16) at Crossings. I really like being a part of things on stage, so I accepted. I had some misgivings about what Bill and Mark wanted me to do- specifically, smearing and splattering black and red paint all over a picture of Jesus and therefore destroying it- but I decided to go ahead with it. We walked through it before the service, getting blocking down, coordinating our movements with the music. Mark made it very clear that what he wanted was for us to beat the canvas where Jesus' face was soon to be painted- sling paint on it, destroy it as thoroughly and violently as we could without actually getting paint on the stage or knocking the canvas over. hmmm... Did I really want to be that agent of destruction, however symbolic? No. But am I in reality a force with that destructive potential, in more than a symbolic nature? Yes.

We finished the run-through. I wasn't feeling it, but I'd signed on, so there I went. When the time came to go through with it, when the music swelled and signaled our first dramatic strike on the canvas, I found myself more than able to act out this violence. My misgivings were nowhere in sight as I wailed on the canvas, portrayed utter contempt as I slung paint from my hands onto Jesus' face, as I smeared paint over it and obliterated the image. My body was expressive as was my face: I really got into it. I surprised myself again at how easily destruction comes to me, how easily I can hurt the One who loves me. Thinking about this, realizing that it wasn't just that particular group of Jewish people or Ananias or Caiaphas or even Pilate who crucified Jesus, but that I did is important and true... and I don't want to own up to it at all.

I've been reading What's So Amazing about Grace? by Philip Yancey, and I'm really enjoying it - drinking deep, so to speak. He points out that a lot of Christians want to convert government and politics to their cause, to intertwine functions of state with the gospel, even though it was government & politics mixed with religion (Judaism) that played the major role in the Roman state's execution of Jesus. I think this impulse to mix government and religion, thereby sanctioning our own stance and world view, is at least partly fueled by our nonacceptance of our own guilt, of our own compliance in Jesus' death. It's a humbling thing to sit with the knowledge that my sin hurt the God who is ever so gracious in His love for me. We all shout, "Crucify Him!": Jews, gentiles, Christians, atheists, pagans, the whole lot of us. Jesus said to his disciples that the world would hate them as it hated him. And as followers of Jesus, we resist this hate. It's not much of a surprise. I refuse to look at and sit with my own rejection of Jesus, my own sin. Spiritually, I am a marathon runner. I run from pain, from hurt, from confrontation, from anything that might reveal my act of sin. But in doing so, I avert my own healing. By His stripes we are healed. Healing comes through the acceptance of my own pain and hurt, both that which I've given and that which I've received. I have to accept and experience my own pain in order to heal. Quite frankly, I hate that; it scares me. But Jesus accepted His cup, a cup far more bitter than mine, and was raised to life. If I drink the cup I've been given, I trust that I can and shall be healed.

So what it all boils down to is that Cee-Lo is badass. There's a song by Gnarls Barkley called "Smiley Faces" that's amazing and pertinent and true: "Your worries and fears become your friends, and they end up smiling at you." If I'm really going to be an Easter people, if I'm really going to live a resurrection life, I've got to absorb the weight, the gravity of Good Friday and the Saturday in between them. I've got to go through the darkness to live in the light.

And yes, I did just make "people" a singular noun.

The lame man: no more excuses

I got sick. REALLY sick. I don't get sick so much, really at all. But a week after Enter the Blues, I started coughing one night. The next morning I woke up with the bubonic flu plague of death. There was coughing and aching and a fever in addition to the sniffly nose and complete lack of energy. I didn't want to cook or eat or think about food: this is always a bad sign. My friend Mary cooked me lunch and sent me home with soup and movies.

Now the strange thing is that I think of sickness as a welcome: if I think I'm getting sick and I don't, I usually wish I had been. This may seem strange, but think about it. What happens when you get sick as a kid? Your mom takes care of you. There is soup involved, and tea, and orange juice. And no school! But now what happens? I feel like death, like all life has been drained from me. I do not want to eat or live. I have no impulse to do anything. I am not the Megan you know.

Because of the severity of it, I want to remember this sickness. I want to remember it because for the first time I so clearly understood that I truly do not want to be sick: I want to be well in as many ways possible. I want my boundless energy and exuberance, even if I'm not sure where to channel them. I don't want to feel sorry for myself. I don't want to make excuses or be a victim: I want to choose. I do not want to live like the lame man who, when Jesus asks him if he wants to be well makes excuses: I want to take up my mat and walk away rejoicing.

Gravity: life after divorce

"The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to ourselves."
-Montaigne
-------------------------------
This is a post about life after divorce. The first part is about living with the hard truths- the ones that just hurt, the ones I can't change and instead just have to sit with... and find I am better for having sat with them.

The second part is about the bits of thankfulness I found in the shards of the broken relationship as well as the rebuilding process- where I can go from here, what I have to work with, how I move and change.

--------------------------------

It's Thursday night, October 25, and it's the first time I've really connected with the hard truth of our divorce. There's nothing special about the date, but today I've come face to face with a reality I never knew how to deal with. I was happy to have someone beside me, even if he wasn't the best match - I underestimated how much I took the joy of companionship for granted. It really doesn't make sense to divorce in hopes of finding someone better - there's too much hurt. All the platitudes I've given and received these past two years are bunk. It's hard, though, to look friends in the face and tell them they're lying when they think they're helping you. Especially when I wasn't admitting that to myself.

The odd thing is, everything is just flat. There's no emotional upheaval here, just... flatness. Maybe the crying will come tomorrow, I don't know. It's not so much that I have to deal with it as it is that I have to bear it and sit with it. I've run from this for so long, and now that I find myself here, it's not so bad. It just is. And I feel sternness from God. This is hard.

I wonder about relationships: what makes them tick, keeps them going day to day. How do two people stay together for 60 years? When I think about these things, this adage comes to mind: "It's not love that keeps the marriage together; it's marriage that keeps the love together." I think it's pertinent. I think it's true. I wasn't ready for marriage. Most people probably aren't ready for it when they marry, but they stick with it and tough it out. And I wonder why I didn't. What happened? I doubt I'll ever have an answer to that that will satisfy me. And that is something I shall have to live with.

-------------------------------

On the other hand though, we weren't a good match: I wanted to go out and dance; he wanted to stay in and read. Our families were very different, and he wasn't interested in getting more involved with mine. I was interested in rebelling against his parents' concept of what is OK. How does anyone make sense of all the dysfunction? Yet, if there were love and care underneath it all, dysfunction may not be such an unmanageable issue.

I can't say that I really did love him; I can't say that I really did care- certainly many of my actions said I didn't. I was in the relationship for myself, for selfish reasons, for success. Instead of being motivated by love for another person, I was motivated by self gain. I'm sure if we had really hung in there, God could have done something amazing with us and our marriage. But who knows what could have been? I see the needless torture of "what ifs" and avoid them and their ilk. I am planted more firmly than ever in the NOW.

And I have been moving differently of late- internally, that is. It's as if I got a new operating system, and it's muchlike a new toy in that I'm trying to figure out how it works. Little by little, I'm not so interested in clinging as I am in observing; I'd rather accept what actually is than long for what could be. I have let go of holding on (mentally, emotionally, spiritually) to so many people, mostly friends, and I feel so much lighter - it's like getting your sea legs when you get on a boat. I have moved closer to living life as I was created to live it, coming from a place where I can give, where I'm not emotionally or spiritually in the red. It's new, and I'm thrilled about it! I've been wanting to be where I am for so long, and now that I'm here, the challenge is not only to continue it, but to enjoy it. Knowing how to belong to ourselves is crucial, but also overlooked, undervalued, and not easily attained. I feel a freedom I have never known, and it is brilliant, but- I must continue to choose it.

gimmegimme

I think I finally get it.

OK, I've gotten it for a while now, but I always responded to it in my favorite way: chosen ignorance. I want lots of things: a house, betterments to my house, new clothes, different clothes, a stable car, decent cookware, true love, a perfect match, meaningful & fulfilling relationship, the list is endless. I have/have had lots of these things, been shopping countless times, have an amazing house that puts me at ease, great friends, and on and on and on. But for me, I think my stupid/restless wanting is tied to my addiction to fantasy. Not necessarily sexual, not fantasy books (although I've always loved them), but just simple fantasy in that it is NOT reality. For some of us who grew up in horrible family situations, it may be the norm. It definitely was for me. When the reality outside of my head was dad screaming and mom crying, I went for the fantasy inside my head because it was always prettier, even though it wasn't real. As a kid, I either ignored or undervalued the importance of tangibly present reality. I went for the fantasy time and time again, until it became not just a habit but a way of life. As a result, it's difficult for me to pull myself out of my head and experience reality, especially when I don't like it. Slowly but surely, I fall back into my own head and live there.

I think that's where I've been heading lately, so this is an official intervention. The reason for my slinking back to fantasyland is that I've decided to quit my job. The reality of this is slowly setting in, and so I'm slowly turning to fantasy. There are all sorts of questions that I don't know the answers to: (1) What will I do to earn money? (2) Will I make my mortgage payments and be able to keep my house? (3) Will I be a coward and fall back into a "secure" job that dulls the senses and puts me to sleep in a spiritual/creative sense? (4) Will I really be able to start and maintain my own business venture? (5) How do I get my finances straight if I don't have any?

The reality is that I really don't know the answers to these questions. The reality is that I am afraid of money and so ignore it. The reality is that my dad may flip out. My family considers a steady job the most important thing. I always scorned and mocked "jobs" because no one wants them, including me. So why are they so important? But I've had one now for close to 4 years, and in some ways it's like a bad relationship in that we both just enable each other to stay in the same rut. I'm way overqualified for my current job, so I'm bored and annoyed and not performing as well as they need/want me to. The story of the talents has been eye-opening for me lately, mostly because I usually read The Message. In Matthew chapter 25, verses 14-30, Jesus tells the story of a master entrusting some of his assets to 3 servants while he's traveling. Two of them invest (read: risk) the money he entrusts them with, double their investments, and are commended by the master upon his return. But the third servant hid the thousand he was entrusted with in order to keep it safe. He gets a good tongue lashing when the master gets back:

26-27"The master was furious. 'That's a terrible way to live! It's criminal to live cautiously like that! If you knew I was after the best, why did you do less than the least? The least you could have done would have been to invest the sum with the bankers, where at least I would have gotten a little interest.

28-30"'Take the thousand and give it to the one who risked the most. And get rid of this "play-it-safe" who won't go out on a limb. Throw him out into utter darkness.'

Wow. Being cautious is risky. I used to know this. That was before the real world reared its really ugly head. Then I decided to play it safe and was quickly lulled to sleep. After all, if you have a steady job that pays decently, you can buy things and entertain yourself... and it becomes an endless cycle until you realize what crap it is. Everything about the culture pushes me to want, to lust, to crave... but I don't need to. I don't have to. And finally - I don't want to. I don't want the game anymore.

I'm visiting my parents right now, and my mom just got a complete kitchen makeover. She's thrilled. But I have to wonder how long it will last, when she'll start complaining about it, when she'll want more, what she'll want. It's really an amazing kitchen now, totally different, and it was great to cook in it.

But where will the want surface next? And what will I do with it? I think a productive way for me to deal with wants (and probably emotions, too) would be to look at them as flags or indicators. So that my wants catch my attention, but instead of reacting to them, they pull my focus to the reality below the surface that needs attention. These are things I need to write on my wall, to grapple with. Because if I don't remember these battles, I will forget them, and I will lose. Now for my magic markers - white paint, beware!