Road trip! Part 6: About-face

This is it: we're in Louisiana. The whole trip, the second most important thing to me was being in New Orleans. The chemistry that I have with that city is impeccable. I love it. I love the music, the chaos, the street people, the boldness. When I am in New Orleans, there is a wildness in me that is awakened, and I know that I belong there. I have that precise brand of madness, and it is wonderful. Only in New Orleans...

And I'm not going there. Aunt Judy & I are in Lake Charles, Louisiana, and tomorrow we will travel to Meridian, Mississippi to visit family on our way back to our respective homes.

"WHY??!!!," you ask. Well, it's a new thing for me. Let me explain it to you: I've run out of money. My budget is busted. Sure, I have a decent amount of money in my bank account, but it's almost all spoken for. And here's the change: I've looked at it, owned it, and am responding to it. Instead of spending some of my mortgage money and assuming I'll have more cash in time to pay the bills, I'm going to be responsive to my own actual needs... which includes some self respect. 

And I'm not even heartbroken! Yes, I will miss New Orleans. Yes, I really think I could live there. Yes, I've always run from the reality of my finances, especially when they're not what I want them to be. But here comes baby step number one in the right direction: no more running; instead, an about face. Ya gotta start somewhere.

It will be great to see family I haven't seen in years. I have a cousin, Brooke, who's recently taken up dancing. The last time I saw her she was too young to talk. David, her father, is a hunter and has 4-wheelers. We may even visit Thomas & Loretta in Alabama who have a farm (they raise chickens for Tyson- can you believe it?!) which includes a catfish pond. Long have I wanted to learn to clean a fish. Yes indeed, there are many adventures to be had in Mississippi.

What can I say? I am so richly blessed. So much so that I got to drive down Highway 1 and enjoy beauty such as this:

 

Nothing to complain about here. Watch out! Financial freedom, here I come!

Redirection: Relationships

I've been thinking for a while about relationships, specifically of the dating/we're together kind: openness to one, compatibility, patterns, communication, needs, issues, transparency, etc. I was also seeing someone for most of March, and in his absence (he's in Colorado til June), we're each thinking things over, talking a little, and enjoying some space and a break from dating each other. I've done a lot of reflecting and redirecting, so here's a sample:


I've learned that I don't trust microwaved intimacy in dating. Just because you share really deep stuff really soon doesn't mean you really know the person or that you're committed to one another in the least. It can turn out really badly. Time heals all wounds, and this time it's been different, but overall, I think a crock pot is the better option for me.

I've learned that rushing into and out of relationships is harsh, and it leaves me in a bad place where I feel alone, isolated, unsure, and, ultimately, depressed. And somehow, I never see it coming. Sure, there's something to be said for living in the moment, but foresight is really handy at times.

I've learned that I tend to do both of the afore-mentioned things, especially in the springtime.

I've learned that I don't have to flip out if I don't know what's going to happen next. Because really, I never do. I still don't. But I'm increasingly more and more at peace with not knowing, with not having the answers.

Another thing I've learned is that I expect chaos from a romantic relationship- being in love is unpredictable and crazy and dramatic and emotional, right? Hmmm... maybe not all the time. I'm thinking that it's not the best idea to expect and look for chaos. I understand why I do this- it was a huge part of my childhood that I had to learn to live with, and so I ended up feeling a need for chaos. It's made me super adaptable, which has been both blessing and curse. But I don't want chaos as an integral part of a relationship, and so I'm glad I've seen this.

I've also learned that the word "irreplaceable" is incredibly important to me. It's come up a couple of times, most recently in small group, and it always catches my attention. I read Captivating a few years ago, and now I seem to be intimately acquainting myself with it again, only this time from the inside out.


Ultimately, this brings me back to community, to the importance of being a part of one and seeing firsthand how you affect others and how they affect you. I'm thinking that if I were plugged into and living in community with other people, it would be harder to cling to my bad relationship habits without getting called out. And seeing myself valued by others helps me value myself more. For example, a friend of mine got really protective of me when he came to my house to work on a lesson and unexpectedly found Dave, sitting on my love seat, typing away on his Mac. A few weeks later when Dave was back in Colorado, we were all out at Barley's to hear Christabel & the Jons. I plopped down next to my friend and laid my head in his lap; he massaged my face and played with my hair. After doing that for a few minutes, he announced that anyone interested in me should have to do nice things like that for 2 months before he got anywhere with me. Wow. Truly, it is awesome, and perhaps more essential than I ever believed, to feel loved and protected.

Why I was up until 4 in the morning

Not that I need to justify my waking hours to anyone at my age of twenty-eight, but in the middle of all my growing pains, there was a gleam of the Real, the priceless, and I want to hold onto it. But first, context.

I have no job. I own a house. My car insurance payment is due March 1. My savings account has recently become empty. I have many bills in addition to my mortgage. Faith is slippery, a bit difficult to hold onto lately. I could lose my house. I might not have a car next month. Believing that I can change myself, that my choices are truly important and life-shaping - this can be a daunting task. Living this life for real is not something I'm used to. It's scary and uncertain and different and painful to take a leap of faith and dare to live life like I want to.

A friend of mine opened up to me tonight about some misconceptions about relationship and misconceptions and me. We cleared the air in a really refreshing way. Then I talked through a situation with him that I'm not sure how to deal with. I don't know what dating means or when people are dating or what my own criteria are for dating someone. I'm uncertain, and that's really hard for me to 'fess up to and admit to myself and other people.

I got a rare glimpse into other people's lives this weekend, and I saw up close the tendency we have to hold onto things that really hold us down. For a real-life example, Man A (stellar guy!) is holding onto Woman B (dead weight). If Man A let go of Woman B, he could have Woman A (stellar gal that most men would kill for). I doubt Man A knows this, but some of his friends do, and now so do I. Not that Woman A would be guaranteed: there's risk in everything. But most people looking at the situation would agree that the risk is worth it.

I like my house. I like wireless internet and the freedom that ownership of a car brings. I like Knoxville. But the only thing I really have is me, and for the first time I really like that. For the first time, that's enough - all I really want is to possess myself. I really feel the importance and the lightness and the pure simplicity of it. He said I'm stunningly beautiful, and in a rare moment, I accepted that. False modesty be damned! God made me incredible, and that's what I'm learning to be, that's where I'm going. I don't know what's next: the life of a nomad or the niche of a home, but I know that I have myself.

ground zero

I read Ecclesiastes and got mad. It didn't even agree with itself- it's an absurd book. I wanted to know who wrote it and why, where in his life he was when he wrote it, and how much wine he'd drunk. To give you a small slice of the reason for my complaint, Eccl. 7:3 states, "Frustration is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart" (TNIV), but in Eccl. 9:7 I find this: "Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for God has already approved what you do." And over and over again the writer keeps saying how meaningless this life is. Meaningless, all is meaningless. I don't like that. I want to believe that what I do matters, that life is not meaningless, that this will all make sense someday.

The TNIV didn't tell me any background on the book's origins, and Bible Gateway didn't either, so I went for The Message. As I read the description of Ecclesiastes, it was like everything I had been clinging to, trying for, wanting - what I thought was my whole world - just fell. It collapsed like a house of cards. From the point of view of the introduction's author, the main point of Ecclesiastes is the futility of life, of our actions, of all our trying to be something else or something better. The goals I set don't actually guarantee success; my optimism is not everlasting. In short, I can't live this life by myself or on my own terms. It was the most sobering experience I've had in a long while, like a fast of the heart.

I lay in my room at my own personal ground zero and stared at the ceiling, knowing that God is it. It was a completely different experience for me. Instead of being obsessed with my own welfare, or lost in illusion, or paralyzed with fear, I sat in freedom. I was still. I know He is God. Fear is useless. Despair, needless. What else is there but God? Nothing. Lots of meaningless stuff, but God is the only thing with real substance.

I really needed the reminder. I feel like I've been off track lately, not listening or even trying to. I feel purged, clean- like there's been a clearing within me. Since emerging from my room, I've gone about the house focusing more on God. When my focus drifts downward, and I get tense, I find I have inevitably forgotten God. Then I lift my head, my shoulders lose their tension, and I am again at peace. It's this constant reminder of God that centers me, renews my perspective, helps me see the reason for Jews to hang the Mezuzah next to their doors.

Gravity: life after divorce

"The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to ourselves."
-Montaigne
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This is a post about life after divorce. The first part is about living with the hard truths- the ones that just hurt, the ones I can't change and instead just have to sit with... and find I am better for having sat with them.

The second part is about the bits of thankfulness I found in the shards of the broken relationship as well as the rebuilding process- where I can go from here, what I have to work with, how I move and change.

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It's Thursday night, October 25, and it's the first time I've really connected with the hard truth of our divorce. There's nothing special about the date, but today I've come face to face with a reality I never knew how to deal with. I was happy to have someone beside me, even if he wasn't the best match - I underestimated how much I took the joy of companionship for granted. It really doesn't make sense to divorce in hopes of finding someone better - there's too much hurt. All the platitudes I've given and received these past two years are bunk. It's hard, though, to look friends in the face and tell them they're lying when they think they're helping you. Especially when I wasn't admitting that to myself.

The odd thing is, everything is just flat. There's no emotional upheaval here, just... flatness. Maybe the crying will come tomorrow, I don't know. It's not so much that I have to deal with it as it is that I have to bear it and sit with it. I've run from this for so long, and now that I find myself here, it's not so bad. It just is. And I feel sternness from God. This is hard.

I wonder about relationships: what makes them tick, keeps them going day to day. How do two people stay together for 60 years? When I think about these things, this adage comes to mind: "It's not love that keeps the marriage together; it's marriage that keeps the love together." I think it's pertinent. I think it's true. I wasn't ready for marriage. Most people probably aren't ready for it when they marry, but they stick with it and tough it out. And I wonder why I didn't. What happened? I doubt I'll ever have an answer to that that will satisfy me. And that is something I shall have to live with.

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On the other hand though, we weren't a good match: I wanted to go out and dance; he wanted to stay in and read. Our families were very different, and he wasn't interested in getting more involved with mine. I was interested in rebelling against his parents' concept of what is OK. How does anyone make sense of all the dysfunction? Yet, if there were love and care underneath it all, dysfunction may not be such an unmanageable issue.

I can't say that I really did love him; I can't say that I really did care- certainly many of my actions said I didn't. I was in the relationship for myself, for selfish reasons, for success. Instead of being motivated by love for another person, I was motivated by self gain. I'm sure if we had really hung in there, God could have done something amazing with us and our marriage. But who knows what could have been? I see the needless torture of "what ifs" and avoid them and their ilk. I am planted more firmly than ever in the NOW.

And I have been moving differently of late- internally, that is. It's as if I got a new operating system, and it's muchlike a new toy in that I'm trying to figure out how it works. Little by little, I'm not so interested in clinging as I am in observing; I'd rather accept what actually is than long for what could be. I have let go of holding on (mentally, emotionally, spiritually) to so many people, mostly friends, and I feel so much lighter - it's like getting your sea legs when you get on a boat. I have moved closer to living life as I was created to live it, coming from a place where I can give, where I'm not emotionally or spiritually in the red. It's new, and I'm thrilled about it! I've been wanting to be where I am for so long, and now that I'm here, the challenge is not only to continue it, but to enjoy it. Knowing how to belong to ourselves is crucial, but also overlooked, undervalued, and not easily attained. I feel a freedom I have never known, and it is brilliant, but- I must continue to choose it.

Growth in dance, or "A fire has been lit under my posterior"

It was Lindy Focus time, and what a time it was! My Lindy Focus (dance camp) experience encompassed SO much: challenge, hard times, exhilaration, breakdown, amazing dances, convicting classes, growth, and eye-opening learning.

I volunteered again this year, but this time I was in the core group of organizers as the food goddess. Sure, I've cooked for KLX since 2005, which entails 2 meals for 150-200 people, but that didn't fully prepare me for my role at Lindy Focus. If you weren't an instructor, you just tasted a glimpse of the food I was in charge of, namely late-night treats like cookies, breads, cupcakes, and bean dip. I was also charged with making sure the instructors had breakfast and lunch each day, and that Michael and Jaya had food for dinner. By the middle of the event, there was a nice rhythm to my work, and I really enjoyed it; however, I underestimated how taxing the consistent effort would be. It's much different from two big meals, and if I do something like that again, I'll be more prepared. All in all, I tend to enjoy getting myself deep into the event like that, and the teachers let me know it was appreciated (although I am eager to hear more detailed feedback, constructive criticisms, likes and dislikes). But whenever I get that involved in an event, it's hard for me to let it go, even to get to sleep. I definitely should have packed sleeping pills, especially since I slept just a few feet away from the center of operations.

I got to take all of the Level 6 classes, and I was much impressed with them: they didn't let me down. They were consistently ass-kicking or inspiring and always challenging, each in different ways: this is what I prize. Andrew challenged our concept of connection and arm leading; Laura brought us back to the fundamental joy of the whole thing; Gina & Mike challenged our body mechanics and non-verbal communication; Bill pushed our creativity; Mike and Evita worked us like we were professional dancers (ok, they were probably nicer than that). I was definitely convicted in several classes as to how little I wait for a lead lately. Rarely at a lack for some sort of movement, I seem to have forgotten to follow. Luckily I was reminded, not only by exercises in class, but also on Saturday night when my dancing was very present and very awesome. I kept waiting, and my waiting was almost always rewarded. From this experience, I know that I can consistently be a better dancer, that for the most part, it's my choice about how responsive and present I can be, and I want to be that more. The overall classload resembled my best & favorite dance of the weekend, which was with Todd Dewey from Denver. Our dance had so many elements to it - Charleston, lindy hop, ballrooming, footwork, playfulness - and he constantly challenged my ability as a follower and a dancer in about as many ways possible. We both just brought it, and it was completely badass. Jeff Camozzi later told me that he had been talking to someone but found himself unable to continue the conversation while he was watching Todd and me dance. It was one of those rare moments where my dancing was pushed to its limits, challenged as I only dream of being challenged, and I met it with gusto. All that, and there was look of pleasant surprise on his face. That dance is one I'll remember.

Lindy Focus also confirmed what I've been thinking about my own path as a dancer: if I really want to plow ahead in this dance and realize all the potential that I have, I need a partner (or partners - not necessarily exclusive) to work with intensely. There are so many places I could take my dancing - Charleston; balboa; lindy: fast, medium, slow; blues; collegiate shag - I like that sort of traveling. So I am officially in the search for a partner. In the meantime, I'll continue to refine and explore solo movement and choreography, in addition to exploring my own strengths and learning how to capitalize on them. I emerge from the ashes of 2007 with resolve to work towards bettering my dance, both solo and partnered. I am a brave, new Megan.