Redirection: Relationships

I've been thinking for a while about relationships, specifically of the dating/we're together kind: openness to one, compatibility, patterns, communication, needs, issues, transparency, etc. I was also seeing someone for most of March, and in his absence (he's in Colorado til June), we're each thinking things over, talking a little, and enjoying some space and a break from dating each other. I've done a lot of reflecting and redirecting, so here's a sample:


I've learned that I don't trust microwaved intimacy in dating. Just because you share really deep stuff really soon doesn't mean you really know the person or that you're committed to one another in the least. It can turn out really badly. Time heals all wounds, and this time it's been different, but overall, I think a crock pot is the better option for me.

I've learned that rushing into and out of relationships is harsh, and it leaves me in a bad place where I feel alone, isolated, unsure, and, ultimately, depressed. And somehow, I never see it coming. Sure, there's something to be said for living in the moment, but foresight is really handy at times.

I've learned that I tend to do both of the afore-mentioned things, especially in the springtime.

I've learned that I don't have to flip out if I don't know what's going to happen next. Because really, I never do. I still don't. But I'm increasingly more and more at peace with not knowing, with not having the answers.

Another thing I've learned is that I expect chaos from a romantic relationship- being in love is unpredictable and crazy and dramatic and emotional, right? Hmmm... maybe not all the time. I'm thinking that it's not the best idea to expect and look for chaos. I understand why I do this- it was a huge part of my childhood that I had to learn to live with, and so I ended up feeling a need for chaos. It's made me super adaptable, which has been both blessing and curse. But I don't want chaos as an integral part of a relationship, and so I'm glad I've seen this.

I've also learned that the word "irreplaceable" is incredibly important to me. It's come up a couple of times, most recently in small group, and it always catches my attention. I read Captivating a few years ago, and now I seem to be intimately acquainting myself with it again, only this time from the inside out.


Ultimately, this brings me back to community, to the importance of being a part of one and seeing firsthand how you affect others and how they affect you. I'm thinking that if I were plugged into and living in community with other people, it would be harder to cling to my bad relationship habits without getting called out. And seeing myself valued by others helps me value myself more. For example, a friend of mine got really protective of me when he came to my house to work on a lesson and unexpectedly found Dave, sitting on my love seat, typing away on his Mac. A few weeks later when Dave was back in Colorado, we were all out at Barley's to hear Christabel & the Jons. I plopped down next to my friend and laid my head in his lap; he massaged my face and played with my hair. After doing that for a few minutes, he announced that anyone interested in me should have to do nice things like that for 2 months before he got anywhere with me. Wow. Truly, it is awesome, and perhaps more essential than I ever believed, to feel loved and protected.

Why I was up until 4 in the morning

Not that I need to justify my waking hours to anyone at my age of twenty-eight, but in the middle of all my growing pains, there was a gleam of the Real, the priceless, and I want to hold onto it. But first, context.

I have no job. I own a house. My car insurance payment is due March 1. My savings account has recently become empty. I have many bills in addition to my mortgage. Faith is slippery, a bit difficult to hold onto lately. I could lose my house. I might not have a car next month. Believing that I can change myself, that my choices are truly important and life-shaping - this can be a daunting task. Living this life for real is not something I'm used to. It's scary and uncertain and different and painful to take a leap of faith and dare to live life like I want to.

A friend of mine opened up to me tonight about some misconceptions about relationship and misconceptions and me. We cleared the air in a really refreshing way. Then I talked through a situation with him that I'm not sure how to deal with. I don't know what dating means or when people are dating or what my own criteria are for dating someone. I'm uncertain, and that's really hard for me to 'fess up to and admit to myself and other people.

I got a rare glimpse into other people's lives this weekend, and I saw up close the tendency we have to hold onto things that really hold us down. For a real-life example, Man A (stellar guy!) is holding onto Woman B (dead weight). If Man A let go of Woman B, he could have Woman A (stellar gal that most men would kill for). I doubt Man A knows this, but some of his friends do, and now so do I. Not that Woman A would be guaranteed: there's risk in everything. But most people looking at the situation would agree that the risk is worth it.

I like my house. I like wireless internet and the freedom that ownership of a car brings. I like Knoxville. But the only thing I really have is me, and for the first time I really like that. For the first time, that's enough - all I really want is to possess myself. I really feel the importance and the lightness and the pure simplicity of it. He said I'm stunningly beautiful, and in a rare moment, I accepted that. False modesty be damned! God made me incredible, and that's what I'm learning to be, that's where I'm going. I don't know what's next: the life of a nomad or the niche of a home, but I know that I have myself.

Gravity: life after divorce

"The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to ourselves."
-Montaigne
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This is a post about life after divorce. The first part is about living with the hard truths- the ones that just hurt, the ones I can't change and instead just have to sit with... and find I am better for having sat with them.

The second part is about the bits of thankfulness I found in the shards of the broken relationship as well as the rebuilding process- where I can go from here, what I have to work with, how I move and change.

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It's Thursday night, October 25, and it's the first time I've really connected with the hard truth of our divorce. There's nothing special about the date, but today I've come face to face with a reality I never knew how to deal with. I was happy to have someone beside me, even if he wasn't the best match - I underestimated how much I took the joy of companionship for granted. It really doesn't make sense to divorce in hopes of finding someone better - there's too much hurt. All the platitudes I've given and received these past two years are bunk. It's hard, though, to look friends in the face and tell them they're lying when they think they're helping you. Especially when I wasn't admitting that to myself.

The odd thing is, everything is just flat. There's no emotional upheaval here, just... flatness. Maybe the crying will come tomorrow, I don't know. It's not so much that I have to deal with it as it is that I have to bear it and sit with it. I've run from this for so long, and now that I find myself here, it's not so bad. It just is. And I feel sternness from God. This is hard.

I wonder about relationships: what makes them tick, keeps them going day to day. How do two people stay together for 60 years? When I think about these things, this adage comes to mind: "It's not love that keeps the marriage together; it's marriage that keeps the love together." I think it's pertinent. I think it's true. I wasn't ready for marriage. Most people probably aren't ready for it when they marry, but they stick with it and tough it out. And I wonder why I didn't. What happened? I doubt I'll ever have an answer to that that will satisfy me. And that is something I shall have to live with.

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On the other hand though, we weren't a good match: I wanted to go out and dance; he wanted to stay in and read. Our families were very different, and he wasn't interested in getting more involved with mine. I was interested in rebelling against his parents' concept of what is OK. How does anyone make sense of all the dysfunction? Yet, if there were love and care underneath it all, dysfunction may not be such an unmanageable issue.

I can't say that I really did love him; I can't say that I really did care- certainly many of my actions said I didn't. I was in the relationship for myself, for selfish reasons, for success. Instead of being motivated by love for another person, I was motivated by self gain. I'm sure if we had really hung in there, God could have done something amazing with us and our marriage. But who knows what could have been? I see the needless torture of "what ifs" and avoid them and their ilk. I am planted more firmly than ever in the NOW.

And I have been moving differently of late- internally, that is. It's as if I got a new operating system, and it's muchlike a new toy in that I'm trying to figure out how it works. Little by little, I'm not so interested in clinging as I am in observing; I'd rather accept what actually is than long for what could be. I have let go of holding on (mentally, emotionally, spiritually) to so many people, mostly friends, and I feel so much lighter - it's like getting your sea legs when you get on a boat. I have moved closer to living life as I was created to live it, coming from a place where I can give, where I'm not emotionally or spiritually in the red. It's new, and I'm thrilled about it! I've been wanting to be where I am for so long, and now that I'm here, the challenge is not only to continue it, but to enjoy it. Knowing how to belong to ourselves is crucial, but also overlooked, undervalued, and not easily attained. I feel a freedom I have never known, and it is brilliant, but- I must continue to choose it.