ground zero

I read Ecclesiastes and got mad. It didn't even agree with itself- it's an absurd book. I wanted to know who wrote it and why, where in his life he was when he wrote it, and how much wine he'd drunk. To give you a small slice of the reason for my complaint, Eccl. 7:3 states, "Frustration is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart" (TNIV), but in Eccl. 9:7 I find this: "Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for God has already approved what you do." And over and over again the writer keeps saying how meaningless this life is. Meaningless, all is meaningless. I don't like that. I want to believe that what I do matters, that life is not meaningless, that this will all make sense someday.

The TNIV didn't tell me any background on the book's origins, and Bible Gateway didn't either, so I went for The Message. As I read the description of Ecclesiastes, it was like everything I had been clinging to, trying for, wanting - what I thought was my whole world - just fell. It collapsed like a house of cards. From the point of view of the introduction's author, the main point of Ecclesiastes is the futility of life, of our actions, of all our trying to be something else or something better. The goals I set don't actually guarantee success; my optimism is not everlasting. In short, I can't live this life by myself or on my own terms. It was the most sobering experience I've had in a long while, like a fast of the heart.

I lay in my room at my own personal ground zero and stared at the ceiling, knowing that God is it. It was a completely different experience for me. Instead of being obsessed with my own welfare, or lost in illusion, or paralyzed with fear, I sat in freedom. I was still. I know He is God. Fear is useless. Despair, needless. What else is there but God? Nothing. Lots of meaningless stuff, but God is the only thing with real substance.

I really needed the reminder. I feel like I've been off track lately, not listening or even trying to. I feel purged, clean- like there's been a clearing within me. Since emerging from my room, I've gone about the house focusing more on God. When my focus drifts downward, and I get tense, I find I have inevitably forgotten God. Then I lift my head, my shoulders lose their tension, and I am again at peace. It's this constant reminder of God that centers me, renews my perspective, helps me see the reason for Jews to hang the Mezuzah next to their doors.