Redirection: Relationships

I've been thinking for a while about relationships, specifically of the dating/we're together kind: openness to one, compatibility, patterns, communication, needs, issues, transparency, etc. I was also seeing someone for most of March, and in his absence (he's in Colorado til June), we're each thinking things over, talking a little, and enjoying some space and a break from dating each other. I've done a lot of reflecting and redirecting, so here's a sample:


I've learned that I don't trust microwaved intimacy in dating. Just because you share really deep stuff really soon doesn't mean you really know the person or that you're committed to one another in the least. It can turn out really badly. Time heals all wounds, and this time it's been different, but overall, I think a crock pot is the better option for me.

I've learned that rushing into and out of relationships is harsh, and it leaves me in a bad place where I feel alone, isolated, unsure, and, ultimately, depressed. And somehow, I never see it coming. Sure, there's something to be said for living in the moment, but foresight is really handy at times.

I've learned that I tend to do both of the afore-mentioned things, especially in the springtime.

I've learned that I don't have to flip out if I don't know what's going to happen next. Because really, I never do. I still don't. But I'm increasingly more and more at peace with not knowing, with not having the answers.

Another thing I've learned is that I expect chaos from a romantic relationship- being in love is unpredictable and crazy and dramatic and emotional, right? Hmmm... maybe not all the time. I'm thinking that it's not the best idea to expect and look for chaos. I understand why I do this- it was a huge part of my childhood that I had to learn to live with, and so I ended up feeling a need for chaos. It's made me super adaptable, which has been both blessing and curse. But I don't want chaos as an integral part of a relationship, and so I'm glad I've seen this.

I've also learned that the word "irreplaceable" is incredibly important to me. It's come up a couple of times, most recently in small group, and it always catches my attention. I read Captivating a few years ago, and now I seem to be intimately acquainting myself with it again, only this time from the inside out.


Ultimately, this brings me back to community, to the importance of being a part of one and seeing firsthand how you affect others and how they affect you. I'm thinking that if I were plugged into and living in community with other people, it would be harder to cling to my bad relationship habits without getting called out. And seeing myself valued by others helps me value myself more. For example, a friend of mine got really protective of me when he came to my house to work on a lesson and unexpectedly found Dave, sitting on my love seat, typing away on his Mac. A few weeks later when Dave was back in Colorado, we were all out at Barley's to hear Christabel & the Jons. I plopped down next to my friend and laid my head in his lap; he massaged my face and played with my hair. After doing that for a few minutes, he announced that anyone interested in me should have to do nice things like that for 2 months before he got anywhere with me. Wow. Truly, it is awesome, and perhaps more essential than I ever believed, to feel loved and protected.

Why I was up until 4 in the morning

Not that I need to justify my waking hours to anyone at my age of twenty-eight, but in the middle of all my growing pains, there was a gleam of the Real, the priceless, and I want to hold onto it. But first, context.

I have no job. I own a house. My car insurance payment is due March 1. My savings account has recently become empty. I have many bills in addition to my mortgage. Faith is slippery, a bit difficult to hold onto lately. I could lose my house. I might not have a car next month. Believing that I can change myself, that my choices are truly important and life-shaping - this can be a daunting task. Living this life for real is not something I'm used to. It's scary and uncertain and different and painful to take a leap of faith and dare to live life like I want to.

A friend of mine opened up to me tonight about some misconceptions about relationship and misconceptions and me. We cleared the air in a really refreshing way. Then I talked through a situation with him that I'm not sure how to deal with. I don't know what dating means or when people are dating or what my own criteria are for dating someone. I'm uncertain, and that's really hard for me to 'fess up to and admit to myself and other people.

I got a rare glimpse into other people's lives this weekend, and I saw up close the tendency we have to hold onto things that really hold us down. For a real-life example, Man A (stellar guy!) is holding onto Woman B (dead weight). If Man A let go of Woman B, he could have Woman A (stellar gal that most men would kill for). I doubt Man A knows this, but some of his friends do, and now so do I. Not that Woman A would be guaranteed: there's risk in everything. But most people looking at the situation would agree that the risk is worth it.

I like my house. I like wireless internet and the freedom that ownership of a car brings. I like Knoxville. But the only thing I really have is me, and for the first time I really like that. For the first time, that's enough - all I really want is to possess myself. I really feel the importance and the lightness and the pure simplicity of it. He said I'm stunningly beautiful, and in a rare moment, I accepted that. False modesty be damned! God made me incredible, and that's what I'm learning to be, that's where I'm going. I don't know what's next: the life of a nomad or the niche of a home, but I know that I have myself.