Why I was up until 4 in the morning

Not that I need to justify my waking hours to anyone at my age of twenty-eight, but in the middle of all my growing pains, there was a gleam of the Real, the priceless, and I want to hold onto it. But first, context.

I have no job. I own a house. My car insurance payment is due March 1. My savings account has recently become empty. I have many bills in addition to my mortgage. Faith is slippery, a bit difficult to hold onto lately. I could lose my house. I might not have a car next month. Believing that I can change myself, that my choices are truly important and life-shaping - this can be a daunting task. Living this life for real is not something I'm used to. It's scary and uncertain and different and painful to take a leap of faith and dare to live life like I want to.

A friend of mine opened up to me tonight about some misconceptions about relationship and misconceptions and me. We cleared the air in a really refreshing way. Then I talked through a situation with him that I'm not sure how to deal with. I don't know what dating means or when people are dating or what my own criteria are for dating someone. I'm uncertain, and that's really hard for me to 'fess up to and admit to myself and other people.

I got a rare glimpse into other people's lives this weekend, and I saw up close the tendency we have to hold onto things that really hold us down. For a real-life example, Man A (stellar guy!) is holding onto Woman B (dead weight). If Man A let go of Woman B, he could have Woman A (stellar gal that most men would kill for). I doubt Man A knows this, but some of his friends do, and now so do I. Not that Woman A would be guaranteed: there's risk in everything. But most people looking at the situation would agree that the risk is worth it.

I like my house. I like wireless internet and the freedom that ownership of a car brings. I like Knoxville. But the only thing I really have is me, and for the first time I really like that. For the first time, that's enough - all I really want is to possess myself. I really feel the importance and the lightness and the pure simplicity of it. He said I'm stunningly beautiful, and in a rare moment, I accepted that. False modesty be damned! God made me incredible, and that's what I'm learning to be, that's where I'm going. I don't know what's next: the life of a nomad or the niche of a home, but I know that I have myself.