from glory to glory

But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.                     --2 Corinthians, 3:16-18

I read a devotion today from Dine with Me by Jana Spicka. It's about a woman with an alabaster jar of perfume, thought to be Mary Magdalene, who poured out all the perfume on Jesus. Really expensive perfume. It cost a year's wages. Think $30,000, $50,000. Not cheap. She poured this perfume all over Jesus in front of loads of people who thought she was trash. She was weeping, sobbing, in front of all of them. And she didn't care. She was there to pour out on Him, cry out to Him.

In her devotion, Jana talks about how she (Jana) was ardently praying about all the people the Lord had given her, about wanting to pour His love out on them, to be faithful, to take care of them-- she ended her prayer saying, "Lord I want to make a difference." What she heard in response stopped her in her tracks: "I want to make you different."

Wow.

I had forgotten that glory starts with poverty, nakedness, desperation, confession. It starts with pouring out all you have on the Lord. It's so easy for me to allow guilt to drive me to that place of works, of striving. Of making things prettier than they are.

Yesterday I got together with Stephani to talk about money and budgets, to really hash through it. I can make a budget like a champ- the numbers look awesome on paper, and all the numbers work out. But I never do it. I never walk it out. And one thing I started to see yesterday is that I have a ton of guilt where money is concerned. And that guilt drives me to hide. And hiding with money drives me to do things with my money that are wrong. I misuse it, abuse it, overspend it, and spend it foolishly. And before any of this offensive behavior happens, I make a budget that covers over all the sin. But it doesn't work. Stephani looked at my online bank statement with me. We added up all the money I brought in and all the money I spent on food. It was thoroughly embarrassing. I know I can do good things with money; I've walked that way before. If I have something to save for, I can be really faithful with my money. But if I'm just living day to day, if I have nothing I'm pushing towards, or if I'm just lazy and out of shape with my money, bad things happen. There's something going on in my heart where money is concerned. I feel entitled to it. I want more of it. I want to do what I want with it. To write this, to know this is true about myself right now, disgusts me.

So today I was reminded that glory starts with poverty, nakedness, desperation, confession. Even some humiliation and disgust. And unveiling the ugliness is the first step on the road to glory. It's just so... ugly. 

Lord, please reveal all the lies that I believe about money, how I relate to money, and how I relate to You. I am desperate and helpless. 

Living in expectation

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.
For everyone who asks receives; those who seek find; and to those who knock, the door will be opened.
                                               Matthew 7:7-8

Several years ago, I was enamored with a pastor named Rob Bell. He pastors a church near Grand Rapids, Michigan called Mars Hill. He's written some books; my favorite is called SexGod. I downloaded and listened to lots of podcasts of his sermons. He spoke on the above passage from Matthew, and it just seemed so simple: Ask. Seek. Knock. He got me to see the simplicity of this verse. It's not about a lot of religous humdrum, it's about asking. It's about seeking Him. It's simple. Just not easy.

My biggest snare has been this: I feel like I have to make myself worthy before I can come to God. Which is a huge task. And I've never been able to fulfill it. And I never will be able to. But little by little, over the years I've polished myself less and less before seeking Him. So nowadays, the things I say to God and the situations I bring Him can be pretty scandalous. Embarassing even. A little like being naked spiritually.

And you know what? He is faithful. He forgives. And He delivers. He has delivered so often that I now expect Him to deliver. I bring Him situations that I don't know how to handle- NO- rather, I bring Him situations that I think I know how to handle, situations I've handled poorly for years. I bring Him the dark intentions of my heart in the moment, and I drop them in His lap because I have no idea what to do in order to prevent this scene from playing out the way it has a million or more times. I ask, I cry out, for help, for His way. So I walk into the situation now without a plan, expecting Him to show up. Instead of feeling the way I'm accustomed to feeling (crappy, abandoned, unwanted) because of my learned coping mechanisms...
                                                     HE shows up. He totally changes it. TOTALLY. It's like light and darkness, like day and night. I just let go and walk in, and things happen that I never expect to. But He is there like He always is. He heals me completely and seals me in His love and holiness. He opens up an unexpected smile and conversation where before there was just striving, my trying to create something out of nothing.

It's an amazing exchange: I give Him my poverty- emotional, moral, spiritual; bankruptcy of heart- and He drapes me in His holy robe, welcomes me home, and provides exactly what I need- emotionally, morally, spiritually, physically. He heals my heart, holds it gently in His hands. What kind of God is this??

A God who is love.  Love so great that our tiny minds cannot even fathom it. Love so humble that He would become human just to become one with us, just to know us, so that we could know Him.

Amazing love. Real love.