from glory to glory

But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.                     --2 Corinthians, 3:16-18

I read a devotion today from Dine with Me by Jana Spicka. It's about a woman with an alabaster jar of perfume, thought to be Mary Magdalene, who poured out all the perfume on Jesus. Really expensive perfume. It cost a year's wages. Think $30,000, $50,000. Not cheap. She poured this perfume all over Jesus in front of loads of people who thought she was trash. She was weeping, sobbing, in front of all of them. And she didn't care. She was there to pour out on Him, cry out to Him.

In her devotion, Jana talks about how she (Jana) was ardently praying about all the people the Lord had given her, about wanting to pour His love out on them, to be faithful, to take care of them-- she ended her prayer saying, "Lord I want to make a difference." What she heard in response stopped her in her tracks: "I want to make you different."

Wow.

I had forgotten that glory starts with poverty, nakedness, desperation, confession. It starts with pouring out all you have on the Lord. It's so easy for me to allow guilt to drive me to that place of works, of striving. Of making things prettier than they are.

Yesterday I got together with Stephani to talk about money and budgets, to really hash through it. I can make a budget like a champ- the numbers look awesome on paper, and all the numbers work out. But I never do it. I never walk it out. And one thing I started to see yesterday is that I have a ton of guilt where money is concerned. And that guilt drives me to hide. And hiding with money drives me to do things with my money that are wrong. I misuse it, abuse it, overspend it, and spend it foolishly. And before any of this offensive behavior happens, I make a budget that covers over all the sin. But it doesn't work. Stephani looked at my online bank statement with me. We added up all the money I brought in and all the money I spent on food. It was thoroughly embarrassing. I know I can do good things with money; I've walked that way before. If I have something to save for, I can be really faithful with my money. But if I'm just living day to day, if I have nothing I'm pushing towards, or if I'm just lazy and out of shape with my money, bad things happen. There's something going on in my heart where money is concerned. I feel entitled to it. I want more of it. I want to do what I want with it. To write this, to know this is true about myself right now, disgusts me.

So today I was reminded that glory starts with poverty, nakedness, desperation, confession. Even some humiliation and disgust. And unveiling the ugliness is the first step on the road to glory. It's just so... ugly. 

Lord, please reveal all the lies that I believe about money, how I relate to money, and how I relate to You. I am desperate and helpless. 

Road trip! Part 6: About-face

This is it: we're in Louisiana. The whole trip, the second most important thing to me was being in New Orleans. The chemistry that I have with that city is impeccable. I love it. I love the music, the chaos, the street people, the boldness. When I am in New Orleans, there is a wildness in me that is awakened, and I know that I belong there. I have that precise brand of madness, and it is wonderful. Only in New Orleans...

And I'm not going there. Aunt Judy & I are in Lake Charles, Louisiana, and tomorrow we will travel to Meridian, Mississippi to visit family on our way back to our respective homes.

"WHY??!!!," you ask. Well, it's a new thing for me. Let me explain it to you: I've run out of money. My budget is busted. Sure, I have a decent amount of money in my bank account, but it's almost all spoken for. And here's the change: I've looked at it, owned it, and am responding to it. Instead of spending some of my mortgage money and assuming I'll have more cash in time to pay the bills, I'm going to be responsive to my own actual needs... which includes some self respect. 

And I'm not even heartbroken! Yes, I will miss New Orleans. Yes, I really think I could live there. Yes, I've always run from the reality of my finances, especially when they're not what I want them to be. But here comes baby step number one in the right direction: no more running; instead, an about face. Ya gotta start somewhere.

It will be great to see family I haven't seen in years. I have a cousin, Brooke, who's recently taken up dancing. The last time I saw her she was too young to talk. David, her father, is a hunter and has 4-wheelers. We may even visit Thomas & Loretta in Alabama who have a farm (they raise chickens for Tyson- can you believe it?!) which includes a catfish pond. Long have I wanted to learn to clean a fish. Yes indeed, there are many adventures to be had in Mississippi.

What can I say? I am so richly blessed. So much so that I got to drive down Highway 1 and enjoy beauty such as this:

 

Nothing to complain about here. Watch out! Financial freedom, here I come!