suspicious

I've recently been suspicious. Of myself. A week or so ago I wrote in my journal, noticed the previous date, and thought, "Huh. It's been a while since I wrote in here." Yesterday I wrote again and noticed the same thing. For about a week now, I've noticed that my shoulders have been rolled forward more, my heart pulled back. And I'll stretch a bit and fix it, but it goes right back to where it was. All this makes me suspicious of myself.

The suspicion is actually quite welcome, though. It means I'm catching onto myself quicker than I used to. (I really am very glad to be 31 years old and no longer in my twenties.) I know that I am avoiding myself if I'm avoiding journaling. There's something lurking under the surface that I'm afraid to face- hard or uncomfortable feelings, a situation I'm clueless about, a relationship that needs mending... or a whole bunch of things. People can read it on me easily (another clue), but I don't communicate it to myself consciously at all.

So now I've caught myself. When inner turmoil reaches a certain point, I always go hide my head in the sand, and I want this time to be different. Luckily, Jesus has the perfect words and heart for this:

"Come to me,
all you who are weary and burdened,
and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,
for I am gentle and humble in heart,
and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
                  -Jesus, Matthew 11:28-30

 It's time to get quiet and still and lay it all down at His feet.