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Living on a farm is different. Coming from the lindy hop & blues world, one of the things I notice and appreciate most about farm life is that people here are not hyper focused on sexuality, physical appearance, and touch. It was incredibly strange at first, and I felt like a child without her security blanket, but I'm getting used to it. It feels... healthy. It brings to mind "As Is," a song by Ani DiFranco: "You can't hide behind social graces, so don't try to be all touchy feely." That line used to make me squirm because it shone light into places I pretended didn't exist. Now I'm comfortable with it.
All of this is on my mind because Zach, a fellow farm worker, gave me a hug tonight after dinner. He had orchestrated an amazing taco night, with almost everyone lending a hand in preparation for the feast: Jes & Alicia made tortillas, AJ created a beautiful salsa, Steve shared Snickers & washed some dishes. I arrived late to the preparations toting the biggest watermelon I've ever seen, which I promptly cracked open and sliced up. The vibe in the kitchen was awesome, like a party in full swing. There had been and continued to be torrential downpours which were punctuated by amazing light, a gorgeous sunset, and a huge Care Bear rainbow. It felt like we were swept up into something bigger than ourselves, like Someone had planned the whole evening, and we were unwrapping a present moment by moment. Awesome-mazing.
We (the workers) adopted a different policy on cooking and cleaning recently, so that if you cook dinner you also do the dishes that night, and each person who eats washes his own plate and fork. It's working out pretty well. But tonight I decided to give Zach the gift of washing the dishes. And he gave me a hug. It seems pretty standard, but it's not.
There aren't many hugs around here, not in a bad way, but in a matter of fact way: they're not a frequently used part of the dialect here. So the analogy that came to mind is that hugs here are like standing ovations, or at least the way I think standing ovations ought to be. You don't just get standing ovations for every performance you give. That's a lie. Most performances I've given are not worthy of a standing ovation. And I know that. And as a performer, when that's the case, I don't want a standing ovation: I don't want the audience to lie to me. I don't want tomatoes thrown at me either, but it seems the trend is towards giving standing ovations all the time when really they're for very special occasions. Not just icing on the cake (why would we want cake if it didn't have icing?), but 2 different cakes, a pie, chocolate ganache, fresh peaches, and homemade ice cream to go along with it.
But why is this such a big deal? And what does it have to do with a hug after taco night? It's a big deal because if you take away the context, it ceases to have meaning. If audiences always stand up no matter what happens on stage, what happens when a performance is unbelievably amazing? How do the performers know what the audience perceived?
Zach gave me a hug tonight, and it meant something. He appreciated that I did dishes. I appreciated taco night. We will all miss him tremendously when he leaves next week. It was an evening for a standing ovation.
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Hmm. While I love the mention of standing ovations and how they should be given as a specific sort of praise for particularly outstanding performances, I wonder about how comfortable I would be with: 1) such scant physical affection and 2) the timing of the particular incident that you note here. Though, I admit, the second discomfort would only be in retrospect, since the first discomfort would make me deeply grateful for any change in such a difficult-for-me pattern.
Now this is not to say that I go around giving random people hugs (I do, however, think that the free hug t-shirt is amazing and I want one). I suppose I am challenging the impetus for such rare touch in two ways. First, I wonder why it is rare. But I realize that the fact that you live in very close quarters with your farm mates may give the question and the answer. Second, I wonder if the embrace was given as a sort of praise. Was it merely a pat-on-the-head in different form?
The embrace, I think, is about the same sort of thing that sex is about--though far less intense and, well, sexual; that is, I believe it to be emblematic of unity, expressive of gratitude, affection, and love. If it is otherwise, like a special prize, I don't imagine it'd feel right.
I suppose I quibble with what I view as our focus on things being "special prizes." Particular things regarding intimacy. I feel that we give them as a recognitions and expressions of what we feel and think and believe. Even though we act outwardly, I believe the actions come from within, specifically from out understanding of the world. I embrace because I love, because we are all related, because I am grateful for whomever, because I believe it to be expression of all these ideas.
I do not know the intentions or thoughts behind Zach's embrace and I am this comment has not been intended as a critique of him. I value that the people you've been in contact with recently are not fixated on some of the things which our culture tends to make blase, vulgar, and practically meaningless by it's "hyper focus." I wonder, too, however, if such scarcity can make us more prone to swallowing whole what should ideally be savored. I worked at a Christian camp three summers ago and hardly had any contact with the opposite sex--even conversationally--so when I sat down to speak with a woman who was a counselor for the "girls' side" I was super awkward. And when we embraced at the end of a conversation that involved quite a bit of self-disclosure, I had a thought about whether any of our supervisors would make discouraging comments about it. Besides that, the hug itself felt reserved. Isn't that absurd? Who's ever heard of reserved unity?!
Anyway, I suppose that's not really your situation, but I am quick to analyze/critique views that make physically affectionate gestures either hyper sexual and overdone or remarkably rare. Anyway, I believe you will continue to thrive here and anywhere else your heart is. Shine on, Megan, oh lovely warrior princess!
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